May 1st 2015

It’s been 21 days since I’ve blogged. I’ve realized that keeping a blog isn’t something you can do when you’re bored. You really have to take care of it, or else it will be abandoned like another thousands blogs on this site. Or any other sites. That, I think, is the hardest thing of a blog. Not to write a few hundred words now and then. It’s to keep on going, even with all the other shitty things happening in your life.

I’m trying to keep going, of course I am. But there are a few things that might get in the way of that. First of all, I’m going to write a novel. Yes, I must admit, this isn’t the first time trying. (And it sure won’t be the last). But I realized that whenever I write something, or have a project of my own, I feel so satisfied. Even if I won’t complete it. It just give me this feeling of direction, like I’m finally doing something good with my life, not just another wasted day as usual. Besides, this time, I have a really good idea. I always say that though, this one is the one. But all these ideas never took me anywhere. I think this one will. And no, I’m not going to share it with you guys. Sorry.

Second of all, fucking school. It’s almost the end of the school year and I have to get a few A’s or else I’ll be fucked. So there’s that. I just need a little more concentration and things will be fine.

Then there is this thing. Or person…. Alex. Yeah. As you have probably read from the title, and if you add a little logic to it, something will happen on the 1st of May. I’m not asking him to be my boyfriend though, nope. Nope nope nope pediedope. No fucking way. But I will tell him what I feel. With that I mean: “Hey, I need to tell you something. I really really really really really really like you.” (did anyone of you sang along to I Really Like You by Carly Rea Jepsen?) Anyway, something like that. And it’s up to him what he’ll do with that piece of information.

This is a really big thing for me. Not just because I’m a big fat pussy and chicken out often. It’s because I will FINALLY follow my own advice and take a fucking risk. I don’t like taking risks. They’re the worst. They are literally my worst nightmare. Being out of my comfort zone is not something I like to do.And by the process of doing that, inevitably getting hurt. I don’t like to get hurt, I’ve been hurt too much. I think a lot of you guys can agree with that.

So. May 1st will be a very important day to me. Naturally, I will blog about it. I’ve thought about this so much, about how things will play out that it is forced to go that way. Oh God—what am I doing? In my mind, I now must tell him because since I’ve blogged about it, people will expect me to do it.

Just to throw it out there, there is a 50% chance that I will chicken out.

F* My Life.

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The right moment.

I had an exam today in which I had 2 hours to write an essay about Freedom of Speech. And let me tell you, it was: horrible, exhausting and satisfying. Does that sound weird? Probably…. It was horrible because exams are always horrible, hands down. Exhausting because my hands got killed by all the writing. I had to write 4 sides of an A4. The essay is only takes up 2 sides, but I had to write the draft first. Which took me 1 hours and 15 minutes. And satisfying because I felt like my brain just went to the gym. I thought so hard I felt like I never worked so hard in my entire life.

But anyway, that wasn’t the point. What I really wanted to talk about was after the test. 6 minutes before the deadline I finished. Across from the table where I sat was Alex. You know, the guy I like >.< Alex looked at me, he took his earplugs out and told me how good his test went. We then talked for a few more minutes before his attention went back to the phone screen. I was there. Looking at him. His magnificent face. Underneath the sunlight, like a shadow—okay this is too much poetry for me.

So I sat there and I wondered why on Earth I couldn’t open my mouth and say: I like you. I know that I’m waiting for the right moment… Because obviously I can’t say it when there are another 60 kids sitting in the room. Well, I can but I won’t.

We all know how “the right moment” never comes. There is no right moment. Let’s just say that you’re dating your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Hypothetically speaking. In a typical teen drama, the scene would probably go like this (in the event that she finds you two making out):


 

Your best friend: “What the hell [your name]!”

The ex: *smoothly slips out of the room without you two noticing*

You: “I know what this looks like. I’m sorry, I really wanted to tell you sooner. I was trying to find the right moment but then something always came up and it was never the right time and–”

Your best friend: “What do you mean right moment? You couldn’t just say ‘I’m dating your ex’ without sitting me down first and prep me up for it?”


Yeah. That’s how it goes. And I thought to myself, why couldn’t I just say so. Why can’t I just be like: “Hey. So, uhm, I like you. Ok. Bye.” According to my mother (who btw, studies psychology and now thinks that she understands every human brain on Earth) we can’t bring ourselves to say these things, we find it hard to say them because they will either hurt the person we tell or ourselves. So I guess I can’t tell him I like him because that will hurt me.

To all the people who has the same problem. Deal with it. Are you afraid to be hurt? Everyone is. But you have to accept the fact that you will be hurt. Because everybody gets hurt. That’s how we grow. Maybe you don’t want to get hurt now, but you’ve gotta get hurt someday. At least if it’s now, you can look back on it later and be like, LOL.

Also, let me just get this out. To love is to sacrifice. If you like this guy/girl, and you wanna be with them, as a couple. I hope that you will eventually, love that person. And if you’re afraid to be hurt, you’re afraid to love. Thus, you will avoid love at all costs and end up alone forever. Sounds depressing. Sorry. The truth hurts.

And uhm, one more thing. About the whole “right time” situation. Waiting for the right time, is wasting time. Missing the right time, is wasting time. Spending time explaining why you didn’t tell it sooner, is wasting time. Don’t waste your freaking time. You’ve only got 1 life, for all you know. You might believe in the afterlife, but that’s what you believe. There is no 100% guarantee that it exists. But that’s another philosophical deep topic and I don’t wanna get on that train cause this post is already too long.

My point is, the world ain’t stopping for your little problems. So stop wasting time, waiting for the right moment. For all you know, it will never come. So, do whatever you need to do. You’ll have to do it anyway.

…. So now we got that off the table….

Sidenote: I like to bumblefuck my way through life with this kind of bullshit. As if I’ll ever “stop wasting time” myself. I don’t expect you guys to do it. XD

Mind blown…..

Yes. My mind is blown. I came back from school today as a normal person. (school was, btw, the most horrible thing ever. I had PE. And now all my muscles are wrecked. Not that I have any.. ><) Ate a cookie and sat on my corner of the couch. That place that is only mine and no one may sit there. It’s my spot XD

Anyway, as I opened my laptop I wondered what I should do. Will it be Youtube? Facebook? Or another one of the teen drama series I’m following right now. Then I thought, hey, since I posted a blogpost yesterday, let’s check if there’s something new. And my mind was blown.

Like poooof. Big bang right here.

I really didn’t expect this many positive comment. For all I know everyone will scroll past it and be like: Ok, I don’t wanna read another life changing, deep thoughts, motivation post. At least, that’s what I would think. But then again, I’m were cynical.

It’s not a big deal and all. It’s not like I won the Academy Awards or anything. So it’ll sound really cheesy, but who cares. Thanks everyone for liking that blogpost. It may not seem big to all of you, because it’s just a freaking blog. But to me, it means the world. Thank you for liking the stuff I wrote, and if you want I could write more of those “motivational speeches”. Well, actually, it depends on what mood I’m in. Cuz yesterday I was in a really good mood, but I’ll try. I’m pretty good at giving those speeches, if I might say so myself. it’s not because I’m smart or anything, I just happen to be that girl who loves to read stuff and you all know that there is at least 1 motivational/deep speech in a book.

I also love Tumblr. So the deep books quotes just keep rollin’ on my timeline. Just a side note…. 😀

 

Go change your life.

Have you ever had this moment when realization hits? It’s just like, you’re doing something, some random mundane activity when suddenly you’re like: Holy. Shit.

Yeah. I think you know what I mean.

I’ve been wondering for the last couple of days (a total of 4 actually) why I had absolutely nothing to blog about. I mean, sure, I have a life. I go to school everyday, interact with people, fix some stupid math problems, and then go home. People on Youtube, they vlogs every single day. Or week. Depends on what kind of channel they have. And I can’t even blog once a month without wrecking my brain first. How pathetic.

I can turn my life around, I mean I know what to do and all. But I don’t have the balls to do it. I guess I’m a pussy.

People always say, “Live as if you’ll die tomorrow.”  Do you know how hard that is? Because if I’ll die tomorrow, I sure as hell will skip school. And I’ll probably spend all my money on the best food ever, and spend the whole day with my family and friends. But I know what they mean. Do the things you love, be with people you love, and make sure you won’t regret anything. I get it.

I want to write a novel? Go write a novel.

I want to get wasted? Go get wasted.

I want to confess my feelings to my crush? Go tell him.

I want to change my life? Go. Do. Something.

For a thousand times I have tried. I said to myself. Today is the day bitch. Today you will change your life. Today you will turn the damn thing around and make things go your way. But did I do it? Nope. Why not? Because I’m chicken. That’s why.

But hey, what’s the worst that could happen?

So, to all of you out there who feel the same way that I do. Listen to my advice. Go change your life. And tell me all about it. Or email me what you should do. I might not be good at it myself, but I know how to give advice. The first part of recovery is to know you have a problem 😉 That’s how the quote goes, right?

And especially to all the girls in love: Tell him. What’s the worst that could happen? He rejects you? Well, you’re a big girl. So suck it up. It will probably hurt. But you’ll get over it. It’s not like he’s your soulmate or anything. And if you think he is, you might be getting overly attached, which is NOT a good thing. Maybe he might tell all his friends and you’ll be the laughing spot of your school. Well, you know what, I think you have a pretty good idea about what kind of guy he is. And if he’s such a douchebag, why did you fall for him in the first place?

Go change your life. I will too.

And I promise.

Something good will come of it.