Drama, chaos, conflicts, but especially drama.

For some reason, I manage to fuck up my life pretty often. No, rewind. I always fuck up my life. It’s a fucking mess and I don’t understand how. You know how at first, everything seems okay but then CRASHHH!!. Zombie apocalypse, meteor, dinosaurs wiped out in seconds, the sun explodes, everyone dies. Just to sum it up, that’s how fast I can fuck. things. up.

I wondered for a long time how I managed to do that. Everyone around me, at school, on the street, they seem fine. And I know, I must seem fine too. Obviously. But, I hear the gossip at school, I see how my friends live their life. It’s all so quiet. No drama, no battlefield, nothing. Boring even. And when I look at my life. A series of…. unfortunate chaotic events. That is all my fault. Or was it? Was it fate? Was it coincidence? Was it karma? Or was it me? Was it me? Am I an addict? An addict to drama? Is it possible that my subconscious is doing all these things?

Do I crave drama like an addict needs heroine? Or do I need drama like an addict needs heroine? It’s the same but it’s different. Do I want it, or do I need it? Can I survive a quiet life? Lay low for the rest of high school? Three years of silence until college starts? Turn into the quiet, shy girl I once was? Or were these few years enough to prove me, that I need drama, and that I want it. So much, that I go out of my way to stir it up.

I guess, if there was anything that I’ve learned in my life, there’s this.

Psychopaths get bored.

I’m happy. That doesn’t happen very often.

Life is beautiful. At least for now. I feel so happy. Incredibly happy. Why? I just got an A+ on my short story assignment. Oh dear Lord, I sound like a fucking 8-year-old. I’m sorry.

I’ve gotten A+’s before though. But this one is different. You see, I love writing. It’s my life. Seriously, making up stories (which I’m pretty good at, in a way that I can bullshit myself out of almost every shitty situation), playing with words, English vocabulary. Maybe not the SAT’s level, but I’m not that bad.

Anyway, I wanna study literature later. In college, you know. When this whole high school bullshit is over. So the fact that I got an A+ made me really happy, even though it doesn’t mean anything. Feels like everything begins to go right with my life. Well, I’m still for the results of that one math test 2 weeks ago. I’m so sure I’ll get an F, I fucking hate math. I can’t do it, I just can’t.

The truth? I’m better than them. In writing I mean. That’s why they all say I’m good at it. But I’m not. I’m only slightly better at it than they are, because I like to do it so I try my best. Not because I’m some genius writer, like Ernest Hemingway or Vladimir Nabokov or Shakespeare.

But I’m so happy. Because the summer nights. Because of things going as I want. For fucking once. And I know that the feeling will go away. Pretty soon I will want to stick my head in the oven again, I’m quite sure of that. But for now. I feel happy. Free. Infinite.

Love, cynical, summer.

We girls have been poisoned at a young age, since the minute we were born, really, that truly love exist. They made us believe that one day, our prince will ride with pride to sweep us off our feet into the night. So when guys ask me why most girls fall in love with fictional characters (example: Edward Cullen -_-) I can’t help it but give them the 1 hour-long lecture about how all the girls in the world were programmed to have hope.

It’s a good thing, when you think about it. It’s a good thing that every girl has hope for a better, happier future, especially with all the self-esteem issues nowadays. It’s a really, really good thing, if any of it were real. God, I was so naïve. Thinking that if I went through enough shit, life would grant me happiness. As if it were that easy.

I’m a realist now. Not a depressed person, or psychopath, but sociopath… perhaps. It’s not that I want to be alone forever. Of course not, no one wants that. But I can’t bring myself to thinking about a future that will never exist. Not in this life, or the next. So, abandon all hope and trust no one, I often write it somewhere to remind myself.

Tomorrow, school starts again. I love holidays when I get to take my mind off, well, everything, really. And have fun and just never worry. But now I’m back, and even though the worries are back (actually, they’ve never been gone, only hidden), I still feel refreshed. God, I feel like I can do this. Keep holding on for less than 9 weeks. Then summer holiday will start.

I hate summer. It’s way too hot, too many bare skin on the streets, flip-flop sounds and crowded ice cream cars. The beach is loaded with humans wanting to get a tan and the water with children’s piss. Ugh. The nightmare is endless. I love fall though, maybe because I was born in the fall? Not sure. But summer comes second on my list, even though I hate it the most. Why? The summer nights. Can you blame me?

Superwoman.

Today was the official Aftermath Day. 24 hours after being turned down by the guy you like. I have to say, the 50% sale on Donuts at my supermarket and the password for Netflix from my awesome friend definitely helped me to get over this thing. You know, at first I thought the pain would never go away. But now, it almost has.

I feel like I can take on the world. And of course it hurts when he said that he liked someone else. I wanted to hear that he didn’t like anyone at the moment, but this was inevitable. We’re all teens, the hormones are raging. Besides, I kind of had the idea for a long time. When your mother studies psychology, you can’t help it but study people when they’re not looking.

I am planning to turn my life around though. I feel like Superwoman. Okay, maybe not the hair, but you get my point. I’m going to write a novel. It’s going pretty well. But I need help. I need more ideas, more things to do. Please guys, if you have any ideas on things to do– omg. That’s it. A bucket list. I’m going to make a bucket list called: … things to do before high school ends.

Guys. Please help. I’m pretty creative, if I might say so myself. But I can’t think of everything. So, if you have any ideas, or anything that you wanted to do before high school ends/ended, leave in the comments.

Gotta go now. Netflix awaits.

The Aftermath

Here comes the aftermath. Ice Cream, chocolates and Netflix sounds about right. But surprisingly. I’m so not in the mood for that. I just wanna sleep, and forget about everything. Basically, have amnesia. Or kill myself. Or get killed. Anything but facing him at school.

You can probably guess that I told him. You could also guess that I got turned down. How obvious. Life’s a bitch until you die. Right? Anyway, there are plenty fishes in the sea. Besides, he wasn’t that perfect anyway. At least, not for me.

Uhm. There’s nothing left to say. I think.

I’m going to die now.

Byeah.